Why Alfonso Was Fired: A Third Movie Spoof
by witchwannaB
Summary: Your typical spoof of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Movie....that is, with extra pizzazz, more witty comments, more stupid people, more complaints, extra characters, and, of course, more laughs.


**Scene 1 - Harry's bedroom, night**

Harry: Lumos _maxima_!

Light: .:appears, brightens, then goes away:.

Harry: Lumos _maxima_!

Light: .:repeats:.

Harry: Lumos **_maxima_** !

Light: .:repeats:.

The Brilliant Author: Uh, whatever happened to magic outside school being illegal?

J.K.: And since when is 'lumos maxima' a spell?

Harry: .:comes out from under covers and closes eyes:.

Uncle Vernon: .:enters room, looks around, and leaves:.

Harry: .:smirks:. He's even stupider than Dudley sometimes.

**Scene 2 - #4 Privet Drive, day **

"Aunt" Marge: .:bustles in:.

Uncle Vernon: .:hands Harry Marge's luggage:. Here, you've been promoted to bell-hop.

Harry: ….

"Aunt" Marge: Where my Dudders! Where's my neffy-poo! .:slobbers Dudley with kisses:.

Dudley: Where's my money?

"Aunt" Marge: What?

Dudley: In the book I get money. Where is it?

Aunt Petunia: Shh!

Harry: Uncle Vernon, I need you to sign this.

Uncle Vernon: Only if you behave, boy. I've decided to go the five-year-old obedience route: if you don't throw a tantrum, you get a reward.

Harry: .:darkly:. I'll behave if she does.

Organ: .:dun dun dun:.

**Scene 3 - Kitchen of #4 Privet Drive, evening**

Dudley: .:watches TV:.

Adults: Blabber blabber brandy blabber blabber more brandy blabber blabber.

Audience Members: Isn't this movie supposed to be rated PG?

"Aunt" Marge: Let's talk about Harry now. Where does he go again, Vernon?

Uncle Vernon: St. Brutus'. It's a center for people who are – uh, for incurable cases.

"Aunt" Marge: .:appears to be checking Harry out:. Do they use the cane there, boy?

Uncle Vernon: .:nods behind Marge:.

Harry: Oh yeah, I've been beaten loads of times.

Dudley: .:watches TV:.

"Aunt" Marge: Blabber blabber bad blood blabber blabber in all the best families blabber blabber.

Aunt Petunia: .:has not said a single word this scene:.

"Aunt" Marge: Blabber blabber female dog blabber blabber pups blabber blabber.

Harry: Seeing as I never got that broomstick kit from Hermione, I have nothing to take my mind off this fat woman. So I guess I'll have to start getting angry… .:starts getting angry:.

"Aunt" Marge: Well, I changed my mind. Actually, it's the father that makes the difference. This Potter…what did he do again, Vernon?

Uncle Vernon: Uhh…he was….. :ahem:. ….unemployed.

"Aunt" Marge: .:snorts:. Blabber blabber drunk blabber blabber like me blabber blabber.

Harry: .:can no longer contain his anger:. That's a lie!

"Aunt" Marge: What?

Harry: .:repeats his last line:. My dad wasn't a drunk!

Dudley: .:watches TV:.

"Aunt" Marge: Blabber blabber idiots blabber blabber got themselves killed blabber blabber you're lucky blabber blabber!

Lights: .:start to flicker:.

Wind: .:suddenly is inside:.

"Aunt" Marge: .:begins to swell:.

Dudley: Mooommmmy!

Harry: I didn't do it!

Audience Members: Yeah right!

"Aunt" Marge: .:continues to swell and starts to lift out of her chair:.

Patio Doors: .:are conveniently open:.

Uncle Vernon: MARGE!

"Aunt" Marge: .:begins to float away:. Ahhh!

Uncle Vernon: MARGE! HOLD ON!

"Aunt" Marge: Don't you dare ruin my grand finale!

Uncle Vernon: Sorry!

Dudley: .:watches TV:.

**Scene 4 - #4 Privet Drive, evening**

Harry: .:stomps upstairs to his bedroom, slams his door shut, and kicks his trunk:.

HP Fans: Let the reign of badtempered!Harry begin!

The Brilliant Author: You know what? Harry's pretty fit when he's angry.

Americans in Audience: Fit?

Brits in Audience: Oh, come on! Get with the program!

Harry: .:storms downstairs holding his wand and pulling along trunk:.

Uncle Vernon: You put her back! You go find her in the atmosphere and put her back!

Harry: .:points wand at Vernon:. She deserved what she got. I'm leaving.

HP Fans: No, Harry, you can't! If you can't call #4 Privet Drive home, then there's nothing protecting you from –

J.K.: Will you be quiet? He doesn't know that yet, remember? You're going to spoil the fifth book for him!

HP Fans: Oops. Sorry.

**Scene 5 - Random street in Little Whinging, night**

Harry: Stupid relatives. Stupid house number 4. Stupid Privet Drive. Stupid Muggles. Stupid life. .:sits down on side of road:.

HP Fans: .:cheer:. It's angsty!Harry! And no one's even died yet!

J.K.: Why I outta….

HP Fans: .:pull out their wands:.

Movie Critics: Don't you have an owl? What happened to her?

HP Fans: She's off hunting…in the book, anyway.

Street Light: .:goes out:.

Wind: .:picks up:.

Swings: .:swing:.

See-saw: .:saws:.

Bushes: .:rustle:.

The Brilliant Author: Ooh, so creepy. Not.

Black Dog: That is one fit kid over there. .:growls:.

Harry: .:stands up and brandishes wand:. Get back, you scurvy braggart!

Sir Cadogan: Hey! That's my line!

Black Dog: .:continues to growl:. He's so…manly. I i love /i manly men.

Knight Bus: .:enters stage right with a loud screech:.

Harry: .:falls over:.

Stan Shunpike: .:reads from a little card:. Hello, I'm Stan Shunpike, your acne-infested conductor. Welcome aboard the Knight Bus. Notice the pun. .:realizes Harry is on the ground:. Whatchoo doing down there?

Harry: Fell over, thanks to your Mystery Mobile. .:looks behind Knight Bus:.

Black Dog: .:has disappeared:.

Bushes: .:continue to rustle:.

Stan Shunpike: Whatchoo looking at?

The Brilliant Author: Way to ruin the moment, Stan.

Stan Shunpike: Well, come on then. I'll take your trunk. .:makes a big deal of picking up trunk and putting it on bus:.

Harry: .:sits down on a bed:.

Stan Shunpike: Take her away, Ernie.

Shrunken Head: Yeah, take her away, Ernie.

J.K.: Er, Alfonso? Shrunken heads don't talk, even in the wizarding world.

People riding Knight Bus: Oh, stop ruining it for the people who haven't read the books.


End file.
